I was a people pleaser for years, sacrificing my own needs to please others.
I actually thought my personality was self sacrificing and serving others at the cost of my own peace, comfort and joy.
In my early thirties I began to experience a variety of emotions that led to depression due to feeling alone and lonely.
For clarity depression comes in many forms, and is more than feeling down or having a bad day. It usually interferes with you daily functioning. You can read more here.
Functioning in depression was a norm for me and I was good at it, until I was not.
One day I decided to pray about what was this deep sadness I was experiencing and how did I get here? My ability to reflect and seek answers has always been my lifeline.
It was time to do the inner work, sit in these scary emotions, reflect on decisions I made, and revisit some childhood pain.
After lots of journaling, guidance, prayer, crying and soul searching I was ready to own my part in this crazy cycle of pleasing people.
Growing up most of us are not taught about boundaries or different emotions and how they affect our relationships and day to day life.
As an adult I had to learn what emotional boundaries involved and why it was healthy.
What are boundaries?
Physical , and emotional boundaries are created for personal protection that sets a clear line between what is me and what is not me.
What is emotional boundaries?
Emotional boundaries involve learning to separate your feelings from another person’s feelings.
Why are emotional boundaries important?
- We guard ourselves from taking responsibility for another persons feelings.
- We prevent others from dictating our feelings.
- We don’t sacrifice our needs to please another person.
- We don’t blame others for our problems.
- We refuse to accept responsibility for another persons problems.
How to identify if boundaries are crossed.
- Pay attention to your feelings: red flags could be stress, resentment, fear, or discomfort
- Not feeling appreciated
- You feel taken advantage of
- Your needs are being overlooked
Tips to start setting emotional boundaries.
- Learn to say “NO” to thing you don’t want of have time to do.
- Protect your time- don’t over commit.
- Say “YES” to help.
- Honor you by putting what is important to you first.
- Drop the guilt and responsibility for others.
- Ask for space-alone time is healthy and we all need it.
When you begin to implement the changes in your life, be prepared for some resistance from others. It is normal, don’t take it personal. Communicate your needs and keep creating those emotional boundaries. Give and take are a balance in healthy relationships. You should feel safe, calm, supported, and respected.
Remember what Oprah Winfrey said, ” You teach people how to treat you!”
Did you have any resistance when you began building emotional boundaries in your relationships? If yes how did you handle them? Or share with others what made you create an emotional boundary.
“You are created to life an Optimum Life”
Sybil F Bull,
Optimum Cultivator
Just Appetizers 